Answers from the Brethren LDS Style

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georgebrat
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Answers from the Brethren LDS Style

Postby georgebrat » Wed 08 Feb, 2006 01:36 pm

wow! a forwarded e-mail that made me chuckle AND is clean. how rare is
that?

LDS Road-crossing Chickens

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
An LDS Perspective on an Age-old Question

NEPHI: And it came to pass that the chicken did cross the road, that it
might reach the other side.

KING BENJAMIN: And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn
wisdom; that ye may learn that when the chicken is crossing the road, it
is only getting to the other side.

ALMA THE ELDER: And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold,
here is the road (for thus it was called); and now, as ye are desirous
to get to the other side, and are willing to set one another's eggs that
they may hatch; Yea and are willing to cluck with those that cluck, yea,
and peck those that stand in need of pecking; Now I say unto you, if
this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against crossing the
road? And now when the chickens had heard these words, they flapped
their wings for joy and cackled, This is the desire of our hearts.

JOSEPH SMITH: We have learned by sad experience that it is in the
nature and disposition of almost all chickens, as soon as they reach a
road, they will immediately begin to cross it.

JOHN TAYLOR: The other side of the road or nothing.

J. GOLDEN KIMBALL: To get to the other side of the damn road! Why the
hell else would the chicken cross the road?

HEBER J. GRANT: That road which the chicken persists in crossing
becomes easier to cross; not that the nature of the road has changed,
but that the chicken's power to cross it is increased.

DAVID O. McKAY: No other success can compensate for failure to get to
the other side of the road without getting run over. Every chicken a
road-crosser.

PAUL H. DUNN: There was the time a chicken strolled into my foxhole on
Guadalcanal ...

SPENCER W. KIMBALL: The chicken decided to lengthen its stride - to DO IT.

GORDON B. HINCKLEY: By the year 2010, twice as many chickens will be crossing twice as many roads.

STEPHEN R. COVEY: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Road-crossing
Chickens

KEN JENNINGS: No, you've got it backwards - YOU give ME the ANSWER, and I ask YOU the QUESTION.
GET ME OUT OF HERE!

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Momma Snider
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Postby Momma Snider » Wed 08 Feb, 2006 01:41 pm

I liked that!

I was going to try to think of one for Isaiah/Jacob (because that's where I am in the Book of Mormon right now) but I can't think of enough incomprehensible phrases.

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Mark
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Postby Mark » Wed 08 Feb, 2006 01:44 pm

Just start talking about the chicken as a cyborg - you know, brass neck, etc.

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BeeDub
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Postby BeeDub » Wed 08 Feb, 2006 02:09 pm

Funny stuff.

Must think of other prophets' sayings...
You can lead people to truth, but you can't make them understand it: the story of my childhood, as seen from the present.
-Bill Watterson

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Steve S
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Re: Answers from the Brethren LDS Style

Postby Steve S » Thu 09 Feb, 2006 07:38 am

would-be 'Alma the Elder' wrote:And now when the chickens had heard these words, they flapped their wings for joy and cackled, This is the desire of our hearts.

I don't know why I found this so amusing, but thanks for sharing it! (As you can see I especially liked Alma the Elder's take on the age-old avian road-crossing thingy.)

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nick
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Postby nick » Thu 09 Feb, 2006 08:39 am

THOMAS S. MONSON - "As the chicken crossed the road, his thoughts drifted back to carefree days of his youth, when he crossed this very road many a time to visit an elderly widow hen..."

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Eric's Fat Brother
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Postby Eric's Fat Brother » Thu 09 Feb, 2006 10:16 am

Or this for President Monson:

Chicken legs were moved, roads were crossed, motives were questioned.
Jeff J. Snider
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BeeDub
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Postby BeeDub » Fri 10 Feb, 2006 01:06 pm

BRIGHAM YOUNG: The Word and the Will of the chicken concerning the road was that he should cross it.
You can lead people to truth, but you can't make them understand it: the story of my childhood, as seen from the present.

-Bill Watterson

alanyst
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Postby alanyst » Mon 13 Feb, 2006 06:20 pm

ERIC D. SNIDER: I’m making this very plain because I think a lot of you will read it, see the words “chicken-symone� and “crossed the road,� and ask the question regardless of what I’ve said about it. And later, when I publish your questions on this site, we will all have a good laugh at the sort of things people say when they ask why Chicken-Symone crossed the road.
This signature is self-contradictory.

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Postby Canadian Wynter » Mon 13 Feb, 2006 07:31 pm

ha! :)

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nick
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Postby nick » Mon 13 Feb, 2006 10:48 pm

Even worse, now people will refer to him as one of "The Brethren."

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Momma Snider
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Postby Momma Snider » Wed 15 Feb, 2006 10:20 am

Okay, I finally wrote one for Isaiah.

"In the days of Ahod came the feathered coward, whose existence was brought to pass by the destruction of the house of the young, which had languished for a generation in the nest of the crowing fathers and nesting mothers, who had also come forth in like manner. And the coward had four appendages, and with two he did walk, and with two he did flap. And the sound of his voice did fill the whole earth with its sharpness. And the coward and his offshoots were scattered, and were as the chased roe, and were dashed to pieces and consumed by Babylon, without pity.

"And it came to pass in that day that the faint of heart was moved upon to fly on the shoulders of the Phillistines, and he did bow down before him and clucked, 'Let it be heard unto Laish, O poor Anathoth, that as the thicket of my forest hath been hewn down, who shall turn me back from this path?' As the arrow doth fly, or the hot coal doth burn, surely he cross over to the shade of the olive tree and of the cedars of Lebanon, and in that day shall men cease to eat the flesh of the coward, and all shall eat grain, until the world shall end."
Last edited by Momma Snider on Wed 15 Feb, 2006 05:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Eric's Fat Brother
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Postby Eric's Fat Brother » Wed 15 Feb, 2006 10:41 am

My mom is so creative. I say forget Eric, we should call this the Momma Snider Message Board.
Jeff J. Snider
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Jersey Girl
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Postby Jersey Girl » Wed 15 Feb, 2006 11:01 am

EFB--I second that. Let Momma be the Queen of the Village of Nerds.

The idea of Isaiah saying the word "flap" makes me giggle.
"Chicken legs were moved, roads were crossed, motives were questioned."--EFB

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WiseNLucky
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Postby WiseNLucky » Wed 15 Feb, 2006 11:14 am

How delightful, MommaS. If there had been a cluck in there somewhere, it would have been perfect!
WiseNLucky

Horizontally gifted since . . . .

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Lady Celtic
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Postby Lady Celtic » Wed 15 Feb, 2006 11:29 am

All hail the Queen of the Village Nerds!

Very nicely done, Momma S.
You're unique, just like everyone else!

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Momma Snider
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Postby Momma Snider » Wed 15 Feb, 2006 01:13 pm

Why, thank you! The best part is, I got through the Isaiah chapters in 2 Nephi while looking for phrases I could use. Now if I could just get through that olive tree saga in Jacob...

And I added a "clucked" for you, Wise.

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Momma Snider
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Postby Momma Snider » Wed 21 Apr, 2010 03:12 pm

I was just thinking about this thread the other day, so I had to bump it. I was pretty creative back in those days, when I was only 53!

RenLass
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Re: Answers from the Brethren LDS Style

Postby RenLass » Tue 23 Aug, 2011 11:24 pm

Mormon to Moroni: And now behold, I fear lest the humans shall destroy this avian flock; for they do not repent, and the Fox stirreth them up continually to peck at one another, and drive one another across the black pathway.
And so exceedingly do they anger that it seemeth me that they have no fear of death; and they have lost their love, one towards another; and their lives in crossing that pathway; and they athirst after blood and revenge continually.
6 And now, my beloved chick, notwithstanding their hardness, let us labor diligently, for we have a labor to perform whilst in this tabernacle of feathers and clay, that we may conquer the enemy of all righteousness, and rest our souls in the henhouse of heaven.
When the devil reminds you of your past,
remind him of his future

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Momma Snider
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Re: Answers from the Brethren LDS Style

Postby Momma Snider » Wed 24 Aug, 2011 11:07 am

That was a good one! And I enjoyed being reminded of my Isaiah one again.


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